10 ways Uhuru Kenyatta can keep busy in retirement

An infectious disease sweeping down Mount Kenya is infecting Members of Parliament. The post-2022 flu is an Ebola-like ailment that causes pitiful convulsions at the mere thought that a youthful President Uhuru will be jobless in a few days time. They are right. The president turns 62 years old only come 26 October; too young to retire, never mind that is two years past official retirement age. Irregardless, here are ten posh things Uhunye can do to keep busy when Kalonzo sends him packing.

1. Marry a second wife

This is an age-old custom among Kenyan men. When you retire, and they give pesa ya retirement, which in the president's case will be 'yuuuge,' you marry a ndogo ndogo to help you eat the money. Her nagging and the resulting screaming bundles of joy will keep him busy well into his sunset days.

2. Become a shylock

The president was once a bank teller. Those skills can come in handy when he retires. With our economy practically in the bin, wananchi are broke 24/7. The president can use his golden handshake as seed money for this biashara. He will discover that the market for this service among waheshimiwa is solid.

3. Get into meat-wrapping

The Kenyatta family has interests in the meat-wrapping business, with majority shareholding in Mediamax Network Limited. A retired Uhuru, who is handsome and articulate in English, Kiswahili and Gikuyu, can become a radio presenter on Kameme FM or a news anchor on K24. The ratings would hit the roof!

4. Open a shop in Gatundu

The returns could be rubbish, and the job so boring you can hear a 10-cent coin dropping into your bank account 40km away. But you get to hear all the village mucene and the exercise book where madeni are recorded keeps you busy. And who knows (wink) which village belle will gyrate into the shop seeking sabuni ya kipande on credit?

5. Become MP in Bondo

Nothing in the Constitution bars President Uhuru from seeking public office. He can run for Senate, where he can 'beat' stories with his seniors, like former attorney-general Amos Wako. Also, as a former minister for Local Government, he understands how kanjuras operate, which would make him a highly effective governor. I dare say Uhuru can be elected as a Member of Parliament in Bondo by 7am if his brother Raila just nods his head.

6. Operate a matatu

Nothing is more engaging than running a matatu. In between dealing with the garage, rogue cops, courts, Mungiki, touts and nasty passengers, you are kept so busy you hardly know when the day ends. Uhunye, who loves to drive, can even go the whole hog and drive his matatu to cut operation costs.

7. Start a church

Having spent 10 years with his bosom 'fren' Deputy President William Ruto, the president, who is a staunch Catholic, must have picked a thing or two about evangelism. If he opens a church, the miracle crusades would be a crowd puller, especially if he maintains his bodyguards and invests in a long beard and shiny suits.